2014 NFL Power Rankings – Week 7

32. Oakland Raiders (0-6) – The last winless team in the NFL deserves to be here. I don’t necessarily think they’re worse than the Jaguars but…

31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) – …at least the Jags actually won a game.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-5) – I feel like they should be 1-6 because even though they were on a bye, they still somehow lost.

29. New York Jets (1-6) – Bringing in Percy Harvin won’t make much difference, unless they think he can piss off some guys in the locker room. Anger doesn’t lead to wins though.

28. Tennessee Titans (2-5) – Please bring back Jake Locker. I can’t keep watching Charlie Whitehurst.

27. Minnesota Vikings (2-5) – Rob mentioned last week that the Bridgewater magic might be wearing off. I really hope it isn’t but if it is, why couldn’t it have worn off during the Russell Athletic Bowl against Miami?

26. Washington Redskins (2-5) – Wow. You know things are bad when Colt McCoy comes in and takes your job. Happy Trails, Kirk Cousins. I believed in you. Maybe its the offense. Hopefully you get a shot to prove you can still play in this league.

25. St Louis Rams (2-4) – Might be the ballsiest team in the league right now.

24. Houston Texans (3-4) – I don’t hate this defense. I like it a lot. You know what I do hate though? The offense, except Andre Johnson. I can never hate a Hurricane. And Arian Foster seems like a good guy. You know what? i really only hate Ryan Fitzpatrick.

23. New York Giants (3-4) – Lose two, win three, lose two…at this rate they’ll finish 9-7 and you know what? I’ll take it.

22. Atlanta Falcons (3-5) – They need a new defensive coordinator. I’d nominate my buddy, Will “Chill Bill” Rennie but I wouldn’t wish this defense on anyone.

21. Carolina Panthers (3-3-1) – They got destroyed by Green Bay and they’re still the best team in their division.

20. Buffalo Bills (4-3) – Just when I’m starting to believe in these guys the way Rob does, they lose their two best running backs. I do respect this defense though but the offense might be putrid going forward.

19. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3) – Are the Steelers back? No. No they are not. This might be the Ravens division to lose, unless the Bengals wake up and have something to say about it.

18. Cleveland Browns (3-3) – Speaking of magic wearing off, is losing to the Jaguars the best way to prove that Brian Hoyer is still that guy that went undrafted in 2009. Then again, even a broken clock is right twice a day. That broken clock being the Jags.

17. Miami Dolphins (3-3) – What a frisky Fins team. I like the defense, they get sacks and force turnovers…plus the offense isn’t terrible either. If they can manage to stay relevant in their division, they could make some noise.

16. Chicago Bears (3-4) – I know Rob loves how explosive this offense is but the defense is a real liability. They might be as bad as the Falcons defense. Wait, what am I saying? No one’s that bad.

15. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2-1) – Can’t blame them for losing. They were playing against a legitimate deity.

14. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3) – Here’s another one of those teams I just can’t decipher. The offense is alright I guess. The defense isn’t as good as it was last season but they manage to beat good teams and stay relevant. Can we kick the Raiders out of the AFC West and switch them with a good team? Is that a thing?

13. Detroit Lions (5-2) – The Lions remind me of that escort you try to hook up with and you call and call and call, then finally she picks up and tells you her address then you finally get there and you call and call and call and finally she picks up again. Then you get up to her apartment, and she barely touches you for $300 bucks then sends you on your way. Thats what the Lions remind me of. Just a big tease.

12. New Orleans Saints (2-4) – Raise your hand if you’d be surprised if the Saints rattled off 10 straight wins and finished 12-4. Now…everyone with their hands up, go back to the kitchen.

11. San Francisco 49ers (4-3) – Imagine how good this team is going to be when Aldon Smith and Navarro Bowman come back? Also, I didn’t like the idea of Colin Kaepernick on the sideline with that huge grin after Peyton broke the touchdown record. I get it, its a nice moment, but you’re getting blown out. Get your head in the game. i’m sure Jim Harbaugh said the same as he was beating him with the same switch Adrian Peterson uses.

10. Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – I love watching this team. Steve Smith is reason alone to love them. When I have a son, I want him to grow up to be just like Steve Smith. Hell, when I grow I want to be just like Steve Smith.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (5-1) – Can you believe there are two teams from the NFC East in the top ten? I know I can’t.

8. Dallas Cowboys (6-1) – There…I showed them some respect. Ugh. This hurts.

7. Arizona Cardinals (5-1) – I don’t get how these guys are so good. I know they beat the Raiders but this is the same Raiders team that looked really good against the Chargers. Maybe Bruce Arians is the best coach in the league and we don’t know it yet. Could this team win a Super Bowl?

6. Indianapolis Colts (5-2) – Only 447 more touchdowns to pass Peyton Manning. *waits patiently*

5. Green Bay Packers (5-2) – I picked these guys to go to the Super Bowl and it looks like they’re really starting to separate themselves from the pack…no pun intended.

4. Seattle Seahawks (3-3) – Is it time to worry?

3. New England Patriots (5-2) – Its just another one of those weird games between these guys and the Jets where it comes down to the last second and some crazy sh*t. Good teams find ways to pull that out.

2. San Diego Chargers (5-2) – I know they lost to the Chiefs and all but it was crazy close and Andy Reid is pretty good at playing the clock possession game. The Chiefs held the ball for a whopping 39 minutes. Chargers can’t score if they don’t have the ball.

1. Denver Broncos (5-1) – Congratulations to one of the best to ever do it…for now.

32. Oakland Raiders – Hard to argue with anyone besides the winless Raiders at the bottom.

31. Jacksonville Jaguars – A decisive victory over a Browns’ team that has been killing it is worth breaking the tie with the Raiders. The Titans better watch out, they aren’t much better.

30. Tennessee Titans – Colt McCoy torched the Titans. Colt McCoy.

29. Washington Redskins – White journalists anointing Kirk Cousins as the franchise quarterback and saying he is better than Robert Griffin III was so racist. Like, the most racist thing since slavery. Not the most immoral and unethical. Indentured servitude and water hoses and all that horrible stuff has unethical on lock, but “Cousins over RGIII” has ignorance and closed mindedness on lock. Stan, back me up on this one.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – But seriously, the most racist thing ever. They looked at Kirk Cousins, and they saw a quarterback who doesn’t throw the ball as well as RGIII. He can’t read defenses. He has no concept of handling pressure. He is a turnover machine. Even with all that, fans figured, “Hey, at least he is white. That should be enough to win a few games.” Colt McCoy came in and turned around the offense. Colt McCoy, who has been good exactly zero times in his pro career. RGIII, who was a legit MVP candidate his rookie year. But no, no thanks, I’ll take the white guy who gives the ball directly to the other team once every twenty snaps or so. Really?

27. Minnesota Vikings – Teddy Bridgewater has struggled since his brilliant debut as an NFL starter. Still, the Lions and Bills both boast ridiculous defenses, so we should simmer down before we replace him with some random white guy who we anoint as the savior.

26. St. Louis Rams – Austin Davis, who is basically made up, completes passes and keeps the ball away from the other team. Also, Johnny Hekker, who is a punter, actually progresses the Rams to first downs. Cousins is incapable of these things.

25. New York Jets – Let us put the NFL starting quarterbacks into tiers.

Great Tier: Rodgers, Manning, Luck, Rivers, Brady

Good Tier: Stafford, Ryan, Romo, Rothelisberger, Brees, Wilson, Kaepernick

Good Enough Tier: Manning, Tannehill, Cutler, Alex Smith, Dalton, Newton, Flacco, maaaaybe Palmer

Rookies and Stop-Gaps Tier: Hoyer, Orton, Glennon, Fitzpatrick, Davis and the three rookies.

Joey Harrington Tier For The Guys You Wish You Never Picked: Geno Smith and Jake Locker

Tim Tebow Tier: All backups you could talk yourself into if you had to. Includes every backup on a roster.

Jimmy Clausen Tier For The Epically Useless: Kirk Cousins

24. New York Giants – Last year was Eli Manning’s worst year. It was historically bad for any quarterback. Stan, you won’t even argue this. He lost two fumbles and threw 27 interceptions. That means he turned the ball over once out of every 21 times he attempted to either run or pass the football. Kirk Cousins, over his entire career, has turned the ball over once out of every 19 times he has had to make a decision with the football.

23. Carolina Panthers – They got killed because the Packers are good and they are not.

22. Cleveland Browns – They got embarrassed. That is what I get for having faith.

21. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are only worth watching for Quintorris Lopez Jones.

20. Houston Texans – BIll O’Brien needs to get his quarterback on the roster soon.

19. Buffalo Bills – I am getting pegged as a Bills’ believer, which is an overstatement. Good defense though.

18. Kansas City Chiefs – Beating the Chargers was good, but they leave a lot to be desired. They need more MVP efforts from Jamaal Charles, but they don’t have the other weapons.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers could tease their way to another 8-8 season if they keep this up.

16. Miami Dolphins – The win against the Bears was a pretty good one, but they are up in the top half of the league by default. They are a full notch below the number 15 team.

15. New Orleans Saints – Me, Stan. I would be surprised. The reason? Because they had a chance to go to 3-3, and instead allowed Golden Tate to jog 73 yards into the endzone. No effort.

14. Chicago Bears – The offense can only keep them in the playoff mix if they actually score. The defense stinks. We know it stinks. Stan, it might be as bad as the Falcons.

13. Baltimore Ravens – I like Steve Smith more than Stan likes anybody who ever lived. I think he has a decent shot of punching the Ravens into the playoffs.

12. Cincinnati Bengals – Score a point you dirty ginger. One point.

11. Arizona Cardinals – Yes, they are 5-1, but they have no pass rush and Carson Palmer at quarterback. Michael Floyd’s potential is limitless, but the team has a ceiling.

10. Detroit Lions – The defense is real. Golden Tate is super real. If the offense ever clicks, this team could be real scary.

9. Philadelphia Eagles – This team eked their way to 5-1. Now they are going to get healthy, and maybe they can earn some real wins down the stretch.

8. San Francisco 49ers – Rough night against Peyton Manning. Real Rough.

7. Seattle Seahawks – Losing to the Rams to go to 3-3 is troubling. The defense not being able to get off the field on third down is concerning. Sending Harvin away and getting basically nothing in return is downright frightening.

6. New England Patriots – The Patriots got away with a win. This team could be clicking down the stretch.

5. San Diego Chargers – Losing to the Chiefs without winning the time of possession reminds me the Chargers are a good team, but a flawed team. The Chiefs left a bunch of plays on the field as well.

4. Indianapolis Colts – The Colts are really good, and Andrew Luck is better than good.

3. Green Bay Packers – The Packers can really light it up in a hurry. I think Randall Cobb is so phenomenal, and he is still not even the best receiver on the team.

2. Dallas Cowboys – Stan thinking that he is showing the Cowboys respect is crazy. Tearing through the NFL with relative ease should get you better than eight. This team has looked unstoppable. The Broncos needed that spanking of a good 49ers team to keep the Cowboys out of the number one spot.

1. Denver Broncos – Peyton Manning is scary good. Demaryius Thomas is scary good. The Broncos’ defense though, that unit is making the difference week in and week out.