Some People Are Just Plain Stupid
I don’t hate authority. In fact, I think authority is vital to the fabric of our society. However, some people just shouldn’t have any authority at all. These people are stupid and should be relegated to mopping up the floor of the peep show booth in an adult film store. Am I just an angry person? Yes I am. But allow me to explain.
A few nights ago, a few friends and I traveled to our local Applebee’s to enjoy some of their finest wings, nachos, and shrimp. This Applebee’s trip has become something of a tradition among our circle of friends and at this point, we’ve become familiar faces. After all, their slogan is in fact, “Eating good in the neighborhood” and we’re just taking advantage. Now, for for those unfamiliar with the inner workings of the Applebee’s franchise, after 10pm, a customer has the option to order appetizers for half price and order two alcoholic drinks for the price of one. This isn’t the first time we’ve taken part in such a deal because, as I stated before, we do this quite often.
On the night in question, it was a relatively small group of us. We sat down and ordered drinks. Those of us (me) who were required to show identification for alcohol did so and we went about the night, enjoying a rousing playoff basketball game between the Lakers of Los Angeles and the Rockets of Houston. The drinks came and we ordered our food. As always, we ordered appetizers and those who hadn’t ordered enjoyed a plethora of different items. It seemed like a good night. After we ate, we sat around, watched the end of the game and had a good time. It was nearly closing time and the game was almost ending. As the game came to an end, we got up and headed to the door. Thats when our night to an odd turn. As we were leaving, we were approached by our waitress, who stopped two of us, including myself. Apparently, the waitress felt that we took advantage of her by sitting down, only ordering $36 worth of food and drinks, and getting up without leaving an appropriate tip. Granted, her tip was rather minimal, but since when is a tip mandatory? Since when is a waiter/waitress supposed to demand a tip? Now, I’m not that cold-hearted to deny someone a tip regardless of service. And if a waiter/waitress accidentally lets it slip that he or she has a child to feed, that may have an affect on my decision on whether or not to tip. But on the night in question, our waitress not only chastised us because everyone at our table didn’t order, but she went as far as to say that this is the third time we’ve “stiffed” her and that the next time she would refuse to serve us. She continued by pointing to a sign that said after 10pm all patrons must order at least one item. I didn’t know that such a policy existed and perhaps it would have been a smart idea to inform us (the patrons) of this policy prior to ordering. Again, that would have been the smart idea. Which brings me to my next question. What if someone goes to Applebee’s and doesn’t want to eat or drink, but to enjoy the company of his or her peers? Is that a crime? Is said person supposed to wait in the waiting area, or worse yet, the parking lot?
So after being scolded by our waitress with the 4 year old child at home, we left and decided the only logical thing to do would be to go back and do it all over again, this time making sure everyone has exact change in coins. That should teach that loathsome bag of gorilla shit.
Seriously, are you telling me that our table was the deciding factor on whether or not your kid eats? Bring the kid some goddamn mozzarella sticks if its that bad. You’re working a crappy shift on a Monday night. Face it, toots… tips are gonna be few and far between. And I’m not going to make this a race thing. Because its not. I don’t believe that it is. I do believe that its one mongoloid who felt the need to say something that shouldn’t have been said. Tips are not mandatory. You want a tip? Look both ways before crossing the street. Here’s another tip. Always look people in the eye when you shake their hand.
So the next time I go to Applebee’s, I’m going to order boneless wings and two beers, and when the bill comes up to about $8.11, thats what I’m leaving on the table, pennies and all. Not because I’m cheap, but because I can.
Fast forward about twenty minutes. you thought the story was over, didn’t you? No sir. There’s more. Upon arrival at my alma mater to drop some people off, we approached the security gate and on duty was Officer Martinez. Officer Martinez and I have a bit of history. One night, Officer Martinez told us that we had ten minutes to drop off some friends and leave the premises. Now, I had been a student since 2002 and I’m well versed in all of the rules and regulations. We took a little longer than ten minutes to return and Officer Martinez took it upon himself to be SuperCop (with a square badge, no less) and wrote us up. Officer Martinez went on to threaten us with arrest if it happened again. But you know what, thats water under the bridge. I don’t particularly like him, but thats in the past.
On the night in question, Officer Martinez saw that there were six people piled into my 2005 Honda Civic, four of them sitting uncomfortably in the back. Officer Martinez informed us that he couldn’t allow us on campus with four people in the back of the car. Because everyone knows that if you have four people in the back of your car, you’re up to no good. Officer Douchebag said one of us would have to wait at the bus stop. Can someone please tell me what would have happened if we had gone onto the campus with four people in the back seat? Would we hit a pothole, and due to the weight distribution, tumble into the woods and die? Would we have smuggled pure heroin into the school to distribute amongst our peers? Would Osama Bin Laden himself be hidden in the trunk and bomb the so-called “Harvard of Long Island”??? I would love Officer Dickface to give me a legitimate answer to these questions. What if five of the six people in the car required a ride back onto the campus? Would Officer Dickless make someone wait at the bus stop and force the driver to make two trips to the dorms? Some people have waaaaaaaaay too much authority. Officer Colostomy Bag needs to get off of his high horse and leave the police work to actual police.
Author’s note: A few months later Officer Martinez realized that I’m cool with his boss, his asshole unclenched a little. Haven’t had an issue since.
