I know Stan is pretty depressed about his Giants, and probably about New York sports in general. Even still, I found it necessary to take a bunch of shots at the Giants, who might be in full tank mode. The Jets could also be tanking, after a deliriously fantastic game in which they threw the ball only 13 times. Now, in case you missed it, I will answer a few questions about that game.
Yes, it was an NFL game. Yes, it occurred in 2014. Yes, I wrote 2014. No, A.D., it definitely happened in A.D. Yes, like the present time. Like, this past Monday. Yes, this is real. Yes, they almost won.
Oh well, Stan. At least the Knicks aren’t tanking…
The “Slightly Less Entertaining Than The Knicks and Nets” Tier
The “Might Just Beat The Giants” Tier
The “Terrible Coaches” Tier
The “Too Little, Too Late” Tier
The “Juuuust A Bit Outside” Tier
The “It Was Fun While It Lasted” Tier
The “Pack Your Bags For Arizona” Tier
The “Hope Our Coach’s Kids Are Sociable…” Tier
32. Oakland Raiders
31. Tennessee Titans
30. New York Jets
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
28. Carolina Panthers
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
26. Washington Redskins
25. New York Giants
24. Atlanta Falcons
23. Chicago Bears
…because they might be looking for a new set of friends next September. Tony Sparano, Rex Ryan, and Mike Smith are as good as gone.
Ken Whisenhunt, Lovie Smith, and Jay Gruden will probably be spared with the excuse that it was their first year on the job.
Gus Bradley will probably be spared because in Jacksonville the first few seasons all count as your first year on the job.
Does Ron Rivera have enough good will banked from last year’s aberration to overlook the fact that he has been a horrible head coach before and since?
Also, the Marc Trestman-era looked very promising as recently as September, didn’t it?
Tom Coughlin might not have to worry his kids making friends because they are close to joining him as AARP members. If he treats them anything like he treats his rookie punters, than I imagine they won’t even miss him much.
And yes, I mostly put that in there to remind Stan that 2014 is not the all-time low for the Coughlin-era Giants.
The “If We Go 8-8 At Least We Won’t Be Remembered For Winning A Home Playoff Game We Didn’t Deserve” Tier
22. New Orleans Saints
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2014 New Orleans Saints.
Then again, on the other hand this is going to start getting really interesting. The Saints can be the first team to win their division with a losing record since the 2010 Seahawks. That team won the NFC West at 7-9, and was an 11.5 point underdog at home in the Wild Card Round.
The team the Seahawks played that year was, of course, the New Orleans Saints. Not only did they play the Saints, but they played the defending champion Saints. The Saints were an 11-5 Wild Card team that season, and failed to win the division for two reasons. They had a weird stretch near the beginning of the season where they didn’t play very well, and because an Atlanta Falcons team that barely missed the playoffs the previous year made a leap and put together a surprising season. Much like the Cardinals are in the process of doing this season.
Now, with four games left to play and the Seahawks and Cardinals trending in opposite directions, there is still a chance the Seahawks win the NFC West and this is a non-story. The Falcons are still technically winning the NFC South due to a tiebreaker. Still, if God loves football, I want to see the Seahawks go into the Superdome as a big favorite during the first week of the playoffs, with probably the weirdest historical circumstances I could imagine on the line.
The “We Can Still Ruin Somebody Else’s Playoff Hopes” Tier
21. Minnesota Vikings
20. Cleveland Browns
19. St. Louis Rams
18. Buffalo Bills
17. Houston Texans
First of all, good for you, Stan, for putting the Rams at 13. It is tough to put a team that high this late when it has no shot of making the playoffs. Still, they are fun to watch and worth attention. I digress…
The Vikings play the Lions and Dolphins.
The Browns have the Colts, Bengals, and Ravens (and an outside shot of sneaking in).
The Rams have the Cardinals and Seahawks (and seem to take pleasure in it.)
The Bills play the Broncos, Packers, and Patriots, and can at least mess up someone’s first-round bye.
The Texans get the Colts and Ravens, and two Jaguars games that leaves them with a possibility that 4-0 gets them in as well, or even 3-1 and some help. Also, they have a player who gets what he wants on every play, and what he wants most is to eliminate happiness from his opponent.
Luckily, he is charitable, and transfers that happiness directly to those who get to watch him play.
The “Don’t Give Up On The Playoffs Because One Wild Card Team Is Getting A First-Round Bye” Tier
16. Cincinnati Bengals
That would be the team that gets to play the Bengals of course.
By the way, this Bengals team is still loaded with talent, despite injuries. They have a ton of weapons, a bunch of really good players on the defense, and an offensive line that vacillates between “getting the job done” and “bullying people around.
They also have a quarterback who has thrown 13 touchdowns and 13 interceptions, and has given zero evidence that he will ever win a playoff game.
That is an unfair statement actually, because judging quarterbacks on wins is a silly an outdated line of thinking. Therefore, I shall rephrase.
Andy Dalton has done nothing in his short career that would lead me to believe that he will ever be one of the 15 best players on a team that wins a playoff game.
The good news? Neither has Eli Manning, and that guy has eight playoff wins and two Super Bowl MVP Trophies.
So expect Andy Dalton to get into the playoffs once again, and to throw the ball to the wrong team a bunch, or just miss receivers completely, like he has done the past three years.
Then expect him to go back to watching playoff football at home in round two, like he has done the past three years.
Keep the streak alive, you freckle-faced nincompoop.
In other news:
What’s the difference between a ginger and a vampire?
One is a pale, bloodsucking creature that avoids the sun. The other is a vampire.
Why are the Harry Potter films unrealistic?
A ginger kid has 2 friends!
What’s the difference between this joke and sex?
Gingers will get this joke.
What do you call a ginger at a party?
What do extinct dinosaurs and Gingers have in common?
How do gingers reach orgasm?
Thanks to Jokes4Us.com for the help on this one.
The “Why Does It Feel Like None Of Us Are Making The Playoffs?” Tier
15. Kansas City Chiefs
14. Baltimore Ravens
13. Pittsburgh Steelers
12. San Francisco 49ers
11. San Diego Chargers
10. Miami Dolphins
It kind of feels like at some points all six of these teams’ fans have said at one point or another something along the lines of “If only we hadn’t lost to [team x] we would be in the playoffs.” Yet, two of those AFC teams are going to get in anyway, unless the Texans or Browns jump them somehow. The 49ers themselves still have kind of an inside track to get in, with the Raiders, Seahawks, Chargers, and Cardinals still on their slate.
Funny thing is, the Bengals could have been in the same predicament had they lost the 37-37 tie with the Panthers. But instead, Andy Dalton’s 13 touchdowns to 13 interception season will get him in the same conversation in the AFC as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Andrew Luck.
Hey Stan, the Chargers play the Patriots, Broncos, 49ers, and Chiefs in their last four games. Either they make the playoffs and they really deserve to be ranked in the top five, or they miss the playoffs and they are outside the top ten. They haven’t won a game without last second heroics in over two months. They’ve been blown out twice since then, including 37-0 against the Dolphins. They also beat the Raiders twice in that 4-3 stretch, by a combined ten points. That schedule is brutal, and you are setting yourself up to look really smart or really dumb.
The “We Are Pretending That Starting 9-1 Was Enough To Lock Up A Playoff Spot” Tier
9. Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals have a desperate Chiefs team with nobody for Patrick Peterson to cover. Then they have the scariest last place divisional opponent you could imagine. This is great, because they finish the season against the Seahawks and 49ers, both of whom will be dying for a win to make the playoffs. If they go 0-3 and beat the 49ers in week 17 they will get in, but I’m sure they’d like to avoid putting Drew Stanton in any must-win games, which is a sad enough reality for a team that had Super Bowl hopes just two weeks ago.
The “We Really Need To Beat The Eagles” Tier
8. Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are sitting at 8-4, knowing that 10-6 probably leaves them as the odd man out since they lose tiebreakers to the 49ers and Cardinals. With the Bears, Eagles, Colts, and Redskins left on the dockets, they should feel good about going 3-1 in that stretch, especially if that includes a win in Philadelphia.
The “Marky Mark Could Do Anything At Any Time” Tier
7. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have to win one of their next two games against the Seahawks and Cowboys, both at home. Mark Sanchez is their quarterback. I do not know what to expect, but I do know I want to watch him playing football in January again.
The “I Feel Oddly Comfortable About Their Playoff Chances” Tier
6. Detroit Lions
5. Seattle Seahawks
These teams have some rough tiebreakers to think of at 8-4 and both in second place in their divisions. The Lions will lose to the Cardinals, while the Seahawks will cede positioning to the Cowboys. Still, those defenses play unstoppable football more often than not, and I just can’t imagine them missing the dance at this point.
The “Locked In” Tier
4. Indianapolis Colts
3. Denver Broncos
2. New England Patriots
1. Green Bay Packers
I don’t know if the Packers are better than the Patriots, because I think that game was pretty even, but I’m pretty sure those are the best two teams in the NFL, and I know through 12 games that these are the four teams that have played the best, especially over the last eight weeks.