2014 NFL Power Rankings – Week 5
Stan
32. Jaguars (0-5) – Can we demote these guys to the SEC? Actually I don’t know if thats any better. Maybe put them in the Big 10.
31. Oakland Raiders (0-4) – AAC for sure.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-4) – At least they hung around with the Saints but thats more about the Saints being more mediocre than we think.
29. Tennessee Titans (1-4) – I’m still waiting for someone to name a good quarterback named Charlie. We may have to settle for Batch. In fact, the Titans might want to call him to see if he’s free.
28. St. Louis Rams (1-3) – The Rams offense played well against the terrible Eagles defense but they let the Eagles off the hook. Probably should have won this game.
27. Washington Redskins (1-4) – Don’t let the score fool you. It would have been 27-10 if not for a blown coverage by Kam Chancellor…and even then Richard Sherman almost made the touchdown saving tackle.
26. New York Jets (1-4) – What a terrible team. I know they were playing the Chargers but good lord, what a bad team. After all that chanting for Michael Vick, he comes in and does nothing. I hope they fire Rex so he can become the highest paid defensive coordinator for a really promising team like the Lions.
25. Minnesota Vikings (2-3) – The road teams on Thursday Night Football usually don’t do well but I don’t think it would have made a difference.
24. Cleveland Browns (2-2) – I hope Rob raises the Browns a bit. They deserve it. Pulling off the biggest road comeback in history is kind of a big deal…even though it was against a really bad Titans team.
23. Buffalo Bills (3-2) – And if he does, I’ll give the Bills a little bump. they beat a good (but injured) Lions team.
22. Houston Texans (3-2) – Both of their losses have come against NFC East teams. I don’t think that really means anything but its an interesting tidbit. They wasted a great performance by Arian Foster. They deserved this loss.
21. Carolina Panthers (3-2) – Its gonna be scary to see what Carolina does when they’re at full strength.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) – If you can’t beat the Jaguars, you have a problem. In fact, I should have dropped them for only scoring 17 points.
19. Atlanta Falcons (2-3) – I don’t wanna say these guys are bad but their strategy seemed to be “don’t let Larry Donnell hurt us” when it should have been “get the ball to my stud wide receivers when it matters.”
18. Miami Dolphins (2-2) – Just another week to get healthy. I only moved them up one spot because the Jets looked so bad.
17. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2) – Can’t fault them for losing a tough game to a tough team on a trick play but this back and forth “win one, lose one” stuff is going to keep them out of the playoffs.
16. Detroit Lions (3-2) – Hey guys, Kyle Orton beat you. Kyle F’n Orton.
15. New York Giants (3-2) – How about some top 15 love for my guys?! Even Rob moved them up a little…kinda.
14. Dallas Cowboys (4-1) – The Cowboys are 4-1 to start the season for the first time since 2008. They finished 9-7 that year. #HoldDat
13. Chicago Bears (2-3) – Matt Forte did all he could with what he was given. He can’t be out there playing defense too.
12. Baltimore Ravens (3-2) – Once again, we see why you don’t give a quarterback in a contract year a huge extension, even when he leads you to a Super Bowl. And come on guys…can we get Steve Smith the ball? I’m looking at you Joe.
11. New Orleans Saints (2-3) – They almost lost to Tampa, which almost led me to dropping them to 20. I would’ve done it.
10. Arizona Cardinals (3-1) – You know things are bad when you’re down to Logan Thomas at quarterback. This is the same guy they wanted to move to wide receiver or tight end before the draft.
9. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) – The best defense in the league (that was allowed 11 points per game) gave up 43 points to the Patriots, who’d been struggling all year. I don’t find it all surprising that once Revis got hurt, the Bengals were able to score. Take that as a sign of things to come in the playoffs.
8. Indianapolis Colts (3-2) – Man I love watching Andrew Luck play. I’d watch him play chess. I don’t care. I just wanna be around him. He looks like the kind of guy that taught himself how to ride a bike and eat with chopsticks. Just an all around great human being. The kind of guy that’ll tell you your shoes are untied, then tie them. He’s Jesus.
7. Green Bay Packers (3-2) –
RELAX, don’t do it
When you want to go to it
RELAX, don’t do it
When you want to come
RELAX, don’t do it
When you want to come
When you want to come
6. New England Patriots (3-2) – Is this closer to what the Patriots are going to be for the rest of the season? Probably not but they’re gonna win this awful division anyway. I hate them for making me root for the Bills.
5. San Francisco 49ers (3-2) – Its amazing how so many guys can hate the coach and still play really well. I think Jim Harbaugh beats his players. He’s probably got a whooping room like Adrian Peterson. Peterson probably went with him to Home Depot or Lowe’s to get materials to build it.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1) – I hate that this team is so entertaining. I also hate that they find ways to keep winning even though Shady McCoy is playing like Nigel Gruff.
3. San Diego Chargers (4-1) – I know it was just the Jets but man did they look good. I can see a little man crush developing for Phillip Rivers…but until then I’m an Andrew Luck kinda guy.
2. Denver Broncos (3-1) – It’s about time Demaryius Thomas showed up. Not that it mattered a whole lot. I just can’t wait for Broncos-Chargers.
1. Seattle Seahawks (3-1) – Just the Seahawks doing Seahawk things.
Rob
32. Jacksonville Jaguars
31. Oakland Raiders
30. Tennessee Titans
29. Washington Redskins
28. St. Louis Rams
Okay, this was a very weird week for me. A lot of these teams need to be lumped together, because of how incredibly unimportant they are. In order, these bottom five teams can be described briefly as follows:
Jags stink. Raiders stink. Titans have some good players on their stinky team. Redskins have a non stinky team with a stinky quarterback. Rams have a fairly stinky team but they have a less stinky quarterback than the Redskins.
These teams are very clearly the worst five teams through five weeks. Stan secretly agrees with me, but is still so embarrassed by the Buccaneers that he has overcorrected their ranking.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Mike Glennon led Buccaneers are not one of the five worst teams in football. Best compliment they are going to get from me.
26. New York Jets – The Jets are going to have the most cap space in the league next offseason, and I bet the best free agent on the market will be Rex Ryan.
Also, this team was always going to start 1-6 or 1-7. The schedule to start the season is brutal. They can still pile on wins in the back half and get to 7 wins. Or they could give up like a bunch of New Jersey punks.
Now, the next 13 teams are literally tied for the next spot in these rankings. They are all fake good teams.
T-13. Cleveland Browns – The Browns have a legitimate claim to the best of all the teams tied for 13th. They have DEFINITELY played the best, but they are the Browns. Stan, I raised them to 13, even if I did so in the most cowardly way ever.
T-13. Carolina Panthers – They did a nice job beating the Bears. I am not sure if they beat a top-12 team or a bottom-8 team.
T-13. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings with Christian Ponder/Matt Cassel are a bottom tier team, right in line with the Buccaneers. This team with Teddy Bridgewater has a chance to push for a wild card, especially with the Bears and Lions mailing the season in already.
T-13. Miami Dolphins – Who the hell knows man.
T-13. Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are not good. That doesn’t mean they are bad though. The 49ers might be truly great. Hanging in that game means they are going to be a tough game every week at the very least.
T-13. Buffalo Bills – Of all the teams tied for this spot, the Bills’ defense is the best overall unit. They can really play. Kyle Orton or EJ Manuel, it doesn’t matter. They might be able to keep themselves in game despite the awful quarterback play.
T-13. New York Giants – I am not sold that the Giants have fixed all of their problems. Even still, being bad at football hasn’t stopped them from winning Super Bowls before, so I won’t say they have zero shot at the playoffs.
T-13. Houston Texans – J.J. Watt is really, really great. But the Cowboys’ offensive line is on point right now.
T-13. Pittsburgh Steelers – Really? Beating the Jaguars by 8 points? This team could finish the season in the top 7 or bottom 7 in these power rankings. Who knows? WHO KNOWS?
T-13. Atlanta Falcons – After the Bills’ defense, the Falcons’ offense is the best unit on any of these bad teams. Quintorris Lopez Jones is good enough by himself to carry them to the playoffs.
T-13. Baltimore Ravens – Another mediocre team man. Gary Kubiak calling the plays and Joe Flacco executing them leaves much to be desired.
T-13. Detroit Lions – Golden Tate has been the lone bright spot on the Lions. They need to get their other receiver back.
T-13. Chicago Bears – Losing to the Panthers when you have Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery and Matt Forte is pretty bad.
12. New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees doesn’t look like a good quarterback right now. This team is hanging by a thread.
11. Arizona Cardinals – Really, this is just me being nice. If they don’t get Carson Palmer back soon, this is a very mediocre team.
10. Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys are good. Really good. On offense, they might be the best team in the league. On defense, they are the good enoughest team in the league.
9. Indianapolis Colts – One day I will write a song about Andrew Luck. It will be glorious. Paul McCartney will cover it and then die immediately due to its pure beauty, and then everyone will think I stole his song. It will be some heavy bulls***.
8. Philadelphia Eagles – Yo Stan, you need to relax on the Eagles. They are a top ten team by default here. I think the Cowboys could pass them up.
7. Cincinnati Bengals – You are all crazy for thinking the Bengals were beating the Patriots. And you are crazy if you the Bengals will beat them in the playoffs.
The only way the Bengals get to the second round of the playoffs is if they somehow rip off 8 wins in their last 11 games and get a bye week.
If they are the 3-seed again, wait for the Steelers, Ravens, Texans, or Bills to pull off the first round upset.
6. New England Patriots – The division really is awful. The Patriots should lock up a bye week with 10 or 11 wins.
5. Green Bay Packers – With the Saints completely out of the running, the Packers have a pretty legitimate claim to the title of “Best Offense.”
4. San Francisco 49ers – The 49ers are really good, and they have the Packers number right now. Hate Jim Harbaugh all you want, but this team is ready to play, and they just have too much talent.
3. San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers is the NFL MVP through five weeks. The schedule will toughen up, but I think he keeps working miracles on third down.
2. Denver Broncos – Too.
1. Seattle Seahawks – Easy.
