2014 NFL Power Rankings – Week 1
Week 1 is like overreaction central. It is a time where everyone loves to scream, and cooler minds such as mine prevail. I like to think I am rational, unable to be swayed be some virtuoso performance, and unwilling to anoint a one-hit-wonder as the second coming of the Beatles.
Fast forward to the power rankings below, Stan dropped the Cowboys seven spots, the Rams six spots, and bumped the Falcons up 7 spots, but remained fair with all other non-Giants football teams. I, however, use all caps to get some points across, start moving teams like the Falcons and Chiefs eight spots each, and drop the Buccaneers nine spots after one loss.
It’s okay though, I embrace my inner hypocrite. White people are allowed to be hypocrites when it comes to football. That’s why America loves it so much. Hey at least we show up on time for the games, and don’t scare away the paying customers!
Stan
32. Oakland Raiders (0-1) – I don’t want to scold them because they hung around in their game and Derek Carr didn’t look terrible. Plus the defense played pretty well considering they were going up against the Jets offense. But that Chris Ivory 71 yard touchdown sealed the deal for me. They suck.
31. St Louis Rams (0-1) – Its one thing to lose. Its another thing to lose to the Vikings. Its a whole different level of things to get destroyed by the Vikings. I guess there is a huge drop off from Sam Bradford to Shaun Hill.
30. Washington Redskins (0-1) – I can’t get on the Skins for losing to Houston. JJ Watt did everything for them. Everything. Go back and check. He was his own long snapper and broke the record for longest punt. You sort of believe me don’t you?
29. Cleveland Browns (0-1) – Give credit where its due. The Browns could have won this game. I won’t say they should have…but they played their asses off. There are no moral victories in the NFL but I’ll give them one here.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) – This is looking like the moral victory power rankings because even though the Jags lost, they played really well. Chad Henne was out there ballin like he was back at Ann Arbor. And how about my boy Allen Hurns…from…THE U. I always say- there are three guarantees in life. Death, taxes and a Miami Hurricane will impact an NFL game. []___[]
27. Dallas Cowboys (0-1) – Don’t be surprised if the distance between where Rob and I have the Cowboys continues to increase throughout the season. Then again the Cowboys suck so we might agree with their ineptitude. The best part of their game was the memes that came out of that Dez Bryant hit.
26. Tennessee Titans (1-0) – How about Jake Locker? Kid looks good. If he can stay healthy, he might be a borderline franchise quarterback. Chiefs looked terrible though. Maybe that’ll change when Dwayne Bowe comes back this week.
25. Buffalo Bills (1-0) – One of the most popular picks in survival pools in week 1 were these guys losing to Chicago. So I’d like to send a few four letter words up north to the Bills for costing me 25 bucks.
24. Houston Texans (1-0) – JJ Watt. That is all. Also Ryan Fitzpatrick is serviceable.
23. Minnesota Vikings (1-0) – When the Vikings brought in Norv Turner to run the offense I knew these guys would put up points but its really the way they’re doing it. Cordarelle Patterson is dynamic and should be a really important part of the offense. The defense was good too but anyone would look good against the Rams offense.
22. New York Giants (0-1) – I can’t defend what the Giants did on Monday Night Football. Not cool. We all know Calvin Johnson is good, but apparently the Perry Fewell doesn’t. So sad.
21. Carolina Panthers (1-0) – If the Panthers lose next week when Cam Newton comes back, what does that say about him? Does it mean that Derek Anderson is better than him against a pretty underrated defense? Or is it just a blip on the season’s radar?
20. New York Jets (1-0) – I’ll give them credit. The Jets hung in there and took care of business against a team they were supposed to beat. Geno still sucks and their receivers are dreadful. What a waste of a defense. They should be wearing blue.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) – When the opposing team’s star quarterback is injured, you’re supposed to win. Thats free advice.
18. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) – Lets do the math here…best wide receiver is out, starting quarterback is overpaid and not good, offensive line couldn’t protect Princess Peach with a Game Genie and the defense is…offensive. Rob’s got the right idea putting them down at 30.
17. Miami Dolphins (1-0) – Could this be the year the Patriots are dethroned as the AFC East monarchs? I think it might be. Finally I don’t feel so bad for Cameron Wake. But hey, there are 15 games left to play so anything can happen.
16. Baltimore Ravens (0-1) – This hasn’t been a good week for the Ravens. First they lose to a division rival and their entire secondary got embarrassed by A.J. Green, then a video emerges with more footage of their star running back playing live action Mike Tyson Punchout with his wife…he won by the way. And its not like they had a contingency plan in place so…good times in Charm City.
15. Chicago Bears (0-1) – Watching this game reminded me of a line from Godfather 2. Remember when Michael confronted Fredo and he said, “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” Thats what the Bears did to me. They broke my heart.
14. Detroit Lions (1-0) – Here’s an interesting stat. Matthew Stafford didn’t throw an interception. He threw 32 passes and not one of them was an interception. In all fairness, he was going up a Perry Fewell coached defense but I think he’s finally turned a corner. He’s got til the winter to screw it all up so stay tuned.
13. Indianapolis Colts (0-1) – I don’t think the Colts should drop very far because they held their own against a really good Broncos squad. They still have work to do but if they can hang with Peyton and company, they should be able to dominate that lousy division they’re in.
12. San Diego Chargers (0-1) – When you give up 12 points in a quarter and squander a 17-6 lead, you don’t deserve to be in the top ten. When you let Carson Palmer light you up and play a turnover-less game (other than that fumble), you don’t deserve to be in the top ten. When you’re the San Diego Chargers, you don’t deserve to be in the top ten, apparently.
11. Arizona Cardinals (1-0) – This won’t last will it? Is this real life? Larry Fitzgerald barely made an impression! Up is down, black is white, I don’t know what to think anymore.
10. Atlanta Falcons (1-0) – Everyone’s gonna hop on the Falcons bandwagon now that Matt Ryan lit up an overrated Saints secondary, but remember who this team is. I’m not saying they can’t win some games, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. I’m a lot higher on some of these teams than Rob is but its only week 1.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) – Another team I’m a little higher on than Rob is. I think its a little impressive to play that well against a good Browns defense. They gave up a huge lead but credit Big Ben for finding Markus Wheaton when it counted. Quality win.
8. New England Patriots (0-1) – I don’t think that the Pats are that good. Fortunately you don’t have to be that good to win the AFC East. Its about time the Dolphins figured that out. Bill Belichick needs to remember that offensive lineman are necessary to keep the Golden Child upright.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) – For now, Andy Dalton is showing he deserves that new contract. The real test comes when the leaves turn brown and the field turns white. Helps to have A.J. Green embarrassing cornerbacks, too.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) – Nick Foles didn’t look very good. Shady McCoy didn’t look great either. How much of that has to do with Jacksonville being a better team than usual? None of it.
5. Green Bay Packers (0-1) – They played Seattle. What did you expect? #LOB
4. New Orleans Saints (0-1) – I can’t hate on a team that only lost because the opposing kicker hit 51 AND 52 yard field goals to tie and win the game. Dog…51 AND 52 yards. I don’t care if it was in a dome. I don’t care if it was on the moon. Thats goddamn impressive.
3. San Francisco 49ers (1-0) – Just imagine how good this defense is going to be when Aldon Smith comes back? Or if Navarro Bowman comes back this year. Can we just skip to the part when San Francisco plays Seattle?
2. Denver Broncos (1-0) – They say if you close your eyes and concentrate, you can hear Julius Thomas catching another touchdown pass.
1. Seattle Seahawks (1-0) – This is just a case of good teams doing what good teams do.
Rob
32. Oakland Raiders – At least they didn’t get blown out.
I am not wasting any more words on them…
31. St. Louis Rams – Wow this team is way worse than I thought.
Waiting for Stan to finish…
30. Kansas City Chiefs – Stan? You there? You forgot to drop the Chiefs after they got BLOWN OUT by a team you had ranked 29th last week. Wake up Stan.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – For 30 minutes, I thought maybe they could play.
They can’t.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Stan, I know you are really high on the Panthers (last week 23, this week 21), but Josh McCown is an absolute travesty. DEREK ANDERSON BEAT THEM!
Question for you Stan, will there be a single game this year that features more pathetic quarterback play?
27. Cleveland Browns – Hey, there are a minimum of three NFL starting quarterbacks worse than Brian Hoyer. That’s pretty good, right?
Things could be worse in Cleveland.
26. New York Giants – Not going to turn the lights off on Stan’s hope. You keep fighting the good fight, buddy.
In the team’s defense, at least they got Good Eli Manning to make an appearance.
25. Dallas Cowboys – Hopefully Tony Romo is still hurt, because of that performance was really as disastrous as it was, there will be some big problems in Jerry Jones land.
At least they aren’t as bad as the Giants?
24. Carolina Panthers – This team won a game with Derek Anderson. This makes no sense to me. I think the Seahawks would go 2-14 with Derek Anderson.
23. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings looked a little frisky against the Rams. Granted, we both have the Rams second-to-last in these rankings, but after they switch to Teddy Bridgewater this team might be on the rise.
Question two for Stan, would this Vikings team run away with the AFC South?
22. Buffalo Bills – Bills beat a good Bears team, Stan generously moves them up from 28 to 25. Giants get embarrassed by a mediocre to semi-talented Lions team and still get put three spots ahead of the Bills.
21. Tennessee Titans – Do I think the Chiefs are horrendous? Why yes I do. Do I believe Jake Locker should have a madden rating of zero? Yes, I certainly do. Still, this team has enough playmakers to win a few games.
20. Washington Redskins – I get why Stan has the Redskins at the bottom of his rankings, but the defense only let up one touchdown against the Texans which is a positive. If the Houston defense is as good as I think it could be, Bobby Griffin and company could still have a fighting chance.
19. Houston Texans – I think the defense is good. Very good. Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to ruin a perfectly good season. If he isn’t perfect with his ball security, at least let me see if Ryan Mallett can play at all.
18. Baltimore Ravens – Ray Rice had 660 yards last year on 3.1 yards per carry. Bernard Pierce added 436 yards on 2.9 yards per carry. This year, they fixed the running game with Justin Forsett, who has a depressing Pro Football Reference page. At least they can’t throw the ball barely at all.
17. New York Jets – They beat up on the Raiders. Don’t get too excited. I like parts of the team, but they are hitting a monster of a six-game stretch.
16. Chicago Bears – Losing to the Bills does not inspire confidence. Only scoring 17 points against the Bills when you have the worst non-Cowboy defense in the league, inspires fear.
15. Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals looked good enough against the Chargers on Monday. The defense might not have dropped off as much as it should have. If Michael Floyd and John Brown keep playing as well as they are, this is suddenly a dangerous team.
14. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons were among the most impressive week one teams. I have no problem with Stan putting them in his top ten. Matt Ryan and Quintorris “Julio” Jones is a fun watch.
13. Detroit Lions – They get the bump here for beating the very bad Giants. They might not deserve it, because the Giants could have just as easily lost that game if the Lions didn’t show up.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers – I really like the Steelers. I can’t believe Stan likes them more than me, because I thought I was going to be Steelers’ bandwagon guy. Still, damn that defense is old, and Browns’ fans shouldn’t come away from the game thinking Hoyer is good at football.
11. Indianapolis Colts – How is this team so bad? They almost beat the Broncos! If Derek Anderson was in for Andrew Luck, this team would have the number one overall pick (so they could trade it to the Rams for Tavon Austin or something equally stupid).
10. Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins were the most impressive team this weekend. I don’t even think the Patriots are worse than I thought. The Dolphins might actually just be legitimately good.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are still legitimately good, but Andy Dalton is going to mess it up. Just you wait.
8. Philadelphia Eagles – I am still wary of this Eagles team. I think there is a legitimate possibility that Nick Foles is bad, and that cutting DeSean Jackson hurts them. Or maybe they will score 34 points in a half every week.
7. San Diego Chargers – The Chargers need to win every game they can, because even if the AFC is as bad as I think, the Steelers, Jets, Dolphins and maybe Ravens could be pushing to be the bad team that gets a free win over the Bengals in the Wild Card Round.
6. New England Patriots – Some s*** would have to go down for me to budge on these top six teams. It doesn’t bother me at all that three of them started 0-1…
5. Green Bay Packers – Except for the Packers. They might really suck but just have Aaron Rodgers, which would just make them the Colts in a tougher division. We won’t know until we see them play a real NFL game, instead of an army of mean-spirited football robots.
4. New Orleans Saints – I am not panicking just yet. The defense was here and there, but the offense has just to actually get better. Scary for a team that just lost a game in which they put 34 points on the board.
3. San Francisco 49ers – Colin Kaepernick made two throws in the Cowboys game that just frighten me. I don’t get all the doom and gloom some people see in this team’s future. They look nasty, and will only get better as the season goes on.
2. Denver Broncos – I still think the Broncos would get spanked by the Seahawks, 49ers, and probably the Saints too. Maybe the Packers. Luckily, they play in the AFC.
1. Seattle Seahawks – To quote a wise man, the Seahawks are “an army of mean-spirited football robots.” Someone is going to have to pry this spot from their cold, dead hands.
